I got paid to smile in this photo, but I was NOT happy!

GOING PAPERLESS

I understand why businesses want to go paperless. Paper costs money and takes lots of labor. We have a tree shortage in the United States. Nobody has yet figured out how to make paper out of something that isn’t alive or wasn’t alive at some time in the past. If I’m wrong about this, and paper can be made out of something that doesn’t kill something else, I truly apologize. And no, I’m not going on the Internet to search for non-organic sources of paper because according to the science I learned in school, and by reading books, everything is either organic or pre-organic.

Today’s science gurus assert with near certainty that the universe started with a Big Bang. Whatever our origins, it was a pretty good day for us eventual humans. My faith in God and most of those science types keeps me plugged into that reasoning. The logical conclusion for me is that paper has to be manufactured out of something organic or pre-organic.

My religion teaches me that God did everything in six days, and I’m pretty certain that paper got its start on a Wednesday. It couldn’t have been a Monday because I think God had to do the galaxies and planets first. On Tuesday, the Earth had to be created, with all of its rocks and those early philodendrons you see in the children’s science books. At least they were in my school science book. Therefore, God had a chance to create the people on Wednesday and those people knew how to make tree bark into paper. I do my prayers and say the blessings on a Wednesday. I’m not sure what God did on Thursday and Friday, but somehow people’s emotions and customs got turned on during those two days because without those qualities, how would we worship on either Saturday or Sunday? Well, back to my worries about paper disappearing. I hate being told to please get to the point.

I hate the idea of everything being paperless because I don’t want them to take toilet paper away from me while I’m still alive. If they have to use something paperless on my body some day, please let them do it after my time is over. I’ve tried to think of what might replace toilet paper. Perhaps when everybody stops smoking for good, those tobacco growers will think of some use for all those huge leaves and I’ll be able to buy some organic asswipe product at Target or Walmart. Rich people buy houses with bidets, but I’ve never asked any rich person about whether he or she still uses toilet paper.

There are other paper products I don’t want to live without. I’m an accountant by profession, so I very much need adding machine tape. If I have to do all my math on a handheld gizmo without tape, what will I do when the IRS calls a client of mine and I can’t produce the sum of numbers on paper? Besides, we all know that the IRS loses stuff too, and it would be helpful if they keep some paper around in case more computers crash. Well, I don’t want to get too much into that subject, so I’ll keep my discussion on a religious level. Since we are all made in the image of God, does that include monkeys? I only pose this question because I know that a few monkeys have written books and articles that have sold better than anything I’ve written.

If God decided I was not destined to be rich enough to have a bidet and also that some people will still be smoking when my time is up, I have to believe that I’ll still be able to pick up some Charmin. I already know that people will not be reading anything I write on a book made of paper and its derivatives, because they’re getting accustomed to puffing on paperless cigarettes. What I don’t understand is how all our computerized links will continue to link everything up without a paper trail.

Maybe God will figure it out, but what if the unthinkable happens and God has to work on the Sabbath, just to deal with the disappearance of paper? Will they have to change the Bible and have to do it with virtual pages? Let me conclude my remarks with a prayer for the sustenance of all the magazine rack workers and the pay stub preparers and the children in those third world countries who reassemble shredded documents.

Please address your responses to my queries to a special e-mail account I’ve set up. It’s not included on this page because I have to save space. Go to your computer or smart phone and type it on Safari or ask Siri. And please spell my name right. It’s listed on my blog.